Bacteria Attacks

My body has suddenly decided to reject Africa and basically decompose from the inside out. I mean, it is pretty normal for my stomach to hurt, I have just gotten used to a dull nauseas pain lurking down around my middle section. But my most recent array of medical maladies have been a little extreme, perhaps at times even verging on incapacitating.

In just the last three weeks I have suffered from:
A chipped tooth – ok this was my own damn fault.
Two bladder infections (“Are you having enough foreplay?” – the doctor in a very thick Germanish accent. Well isn’t that just the eternal question. In reality I blame dehydration.)
5 days sans bowel movement
About a week with extreme stomach pain and bloating – probably due to bowel fullness, and a cranky bladder.
A fever
For a while I was pretty sure I had Malaria, fortunately that was not the case.
And finally, the latest plague, I currently haven’t shaved my armpits or worn deodorant in about a week because I have large, red, painful, oozing, abscesses in my underarm area accompanied by extremely swollen lymph nodes. That is just down right disgusting in so many ways. I think it was just an ingrown hair or perhaps a small razor cut that went infectiously awry. The doctor seemed to think that a few antibiotics should kick that baby right back to normalcy.

“But be careful, and keep a close eye on it, because it is probably nothing, but it could also turn into a large, rotting, ulcer like abscess, where your skin turns black as it dies. If so it is actually a really nasty brown recluse spider bite.” – the doctor.

Well that is sort of terrifying. So I obsessively study my sick swollen armpit every night for signs of ulcery-black-death. So far so good.

To battle my various ailments, I have taken cipro, purbac, and something else that begins with an e – a range and amount of antibiotics sure to kill absolutely every living thing inside my body. I also have rocked the hot compress, swathed myself in antibacterial cream, eaten ibuprofen like candy, and at one point was instructed to drink 5 litres of water a day. 5 litres, that is two glasses an hour. FYI, I am not a fan of hydration when it means that you have to trek outside to the latrine 5 times a night to pee.

At least I don't have the swine flu. Yet. FYI there is one reported case in South Africa. Here’s hoping it doesn't head north-east.