“Be careful honey, the latrine is dangerous.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, be careful honey. The latrine is dangerous.” – Iraque
“Thanks, but you should have told me that before I fucking plummeted into the shit filled abyss.” – me

Sorry it has been awhile. I had a somewhat traumatic experience, and my worst fear was actually realized… the latrine collapsed mid squat, and scared me into four days of constipation.

I hadn’t actually made it all the way down to a squat, but the panties were down and ready to assume the position.

Thankfully it wasn't my latrine. That would have been a nightmare of having to use the neighbor’s hole while mine was re-dug. Except that I was actually at my boyfriend’s mom’s house in Xai-Xai. Not exactly the best way to impress the family – “hey there, sorry I broke your squat hole.”

I knew something was off as I entered the little, roofless, reed bathroom hut. It had rained a lot – like tropical downpour style – and the latrine was nearly full. Which not only welcomed me with a delightful scent of Mozambican shit, but the poo was so high I could actually see the maggots devouring their delicious excrement soup.

For those of you who have never seen a low-tech latrine, let me describe the contraption. It is basically a big hole – at least 9 meters I have been told. Not sure who did the math and decided that was optimum depth for a squatter.

Atop the hole, is this cement, umbrella like lid where you are supposed to stand and do your business. In the very center, right where the pole would attach to the umbrella, there is a hole which looks just like a big ball sack and penis, with two slightly raised footprints where you are supposed to position your feet.

HINT: if you actually stand on the footprints, you are bound to get pee on your feet. Better to spread-em a little wider.

“Well it certainly wasn't designed for women. There was one potty on a train in china, and right at squat level there was a little bar to hold on to so you didn't fall over if the train jilted while you were going to the bathroom. Now you know a woman designed that.” – My mother’s potty logic.

But she is right. Even after six months, basically every time I go pee I end up dribbling a little on my feet and mostly missing the whole leaving a little puddle at the top of the cement phallus. But the worst is if you let your stream out too hard and miss the hole a little. Then the urine actually ricochets off the cement and then up into your face. I have learned to never look down until I have my stream safely aimed and under control.

Anyway, just as my pants hit my knees and I climbed aboard the cement umbrella, the earth gave way beneath me.

I suppose I am being a little dramatic. I didn't actually fall in the whole. There was no emerging like a big smelly American shit monster.

In reality, as soon as I felt the earth shift, and begin to fall beneath me I did a frantic, bare booty leap to safety. And then quickly arranged myself so as not to flash a big white moon at the neighbors.

But after sharing the story with other PCV’s I have learned that I am not alone in my fecal adventure.

“Oh yeah, Sharonda has lad her latrine re-dug three times because it always caves in.”

“Zack fell in. Like he literally grabbed a tree limb that was hanging low and clung for dear life until he could hoist himself out of the shit pit.”

Doin a number 2 now causes me an immense amount of anxiety.