How to: Have a Mozambican Party

Step 1: Acquire animals. For example, a party planner might choose to purchase 1 pig, 1 goat and 10 chickens for a party of about 25 people. For larger events,  a cow might be purchased, however this will be a rather costly investment in your festa.

Step 2: wake up at 5 am to start cooking. You will be cooking all day until the festivities begin in the evening. Be prepared.

Step 3:  After waking up with the sunrise and arrange your small farm of purchased animals.  Massacre the animals. The easiest way to kill an animal is to slit its throat, or, especially in the case of chickens, cut off entirely its head. Then de-fur/feather them, gut them, cook the head parts and insides to be eaten as an afternoon snack before the party commences, and then continue to skin, gut, and cut up the entire animal.

Now, among other things, you might be thinking, “My word, that sounds like a lot of meat!”

It is. But meat is the main staple of a Mozambican party. A common sentiment here as a party approaches is, “wohoo! Party time! I get to eat meat today!”

I suppose this is because meat is expensive and thus saved for special occasions. Nothing says great party like skinning a cow.

Step 4: Spend all day cooking a range of oily delights. A typical menu might include:

·         Rice

·         Xima

·         French fries

·         Grilled chicken

·         Chicken in a tomato sauce

·         Grilled (meat of choice)

·         Boiled (meat of choice)

·         (meat of choice) in a tomato sauce

·         Salad (can be made with lettuce, tomato and onion; cabbage; or cucumber and onion)

·         Cake with not enough sugar, glittery icing, and a big pastel bow on top

·         And finally, the prized centerpiece of any delicately arranged party buffet table, and my personal favorite dish (not to eat, but to wonder at), it is called “mayonnaise”. Why that name? Well it is essentially potato salad that has been smothered in mayonnaise. And by smothered, I mean literally, there is ½ inch layer of mayonnaise on top of boiled potatoes and eggs, and elegantly decorated with a hand cut tomato or lemon ‘flower’.  I don’t know how people can eat pure mayonnaise like this. And, even more miraculous, is how can they eat the glob of mayonnaise that has been sweltering in the sun since mid-morning? Or maybe they all go home to have secret diarrhea fests. Who knows. I steer clear of the stuff as I have had a life-long aversion to mayonnaise and basically all other white goopy condiments.

I have tried to explain to people that, in America, we have a range of different types of parties, and they don’t all include food. Of course there is your average dinner party, where the meal is the centerpiece, and there are weddings which often involve elaborate meals. But then again, there are also wine and cheese parties, martini parties, parties centered around the watching of an athletic event (aka beer parties), birthday parties, holiday parties, dessert and champagne parties, tea parties etc (I see a somewhat alcoholic trend here, would it be safe to say that the focal point of an American party is the beverage to be consumed?).

American parties usually do all involve some sort of sustenance, from chips and dip to pizza to an elaborate home-made ice-cream cake in the shape of a beach ball to go with the party theme (my mom put on the best birthday parties). But if you handed a Mozambican a cup of tea and a cucumber sandwich and called it a party, the person would, first complain that the tea didn’t have enough sugar, and then promptly laugh in your face and gossip about you and your poor party for all of eternity.

Step 5: Cut the cake and feed each other pieces. In America, at a wedding, the bride and groom lovingly provide each other with a delightful nibble. In Mozambique, all parties involve such an activity. For example, at our home stay goodbye party in Namaacha 2 years ago, my friend’s host father fed him cake. At the 12^th grade graduation party that I just attended at my school, my students hand fed me cake. It made me a little uncomfortable.

Step 6: Eat. Cake before dinner is so contrary to my upbringing. I will never understand.

Step 7: Dance.