So I'm not sure if it is because I am on my second glass of wine, I want any excuse to use my cute as your neighbour's baby netbook with battery life almost as long as one leg of my journey, I am innately compelled as a past customer service representative, or really because I am just anxiously awaiting some poor fool who might want to meander on over to the bique to visit me, but I feel this consuming urge to give a review/tutorial about my trip back from the homeland.
Well I was supposed to fly Northwest/KLM, but thanks to bankruptcy I have been doomed to Delta on my way back. Remember when I said "you know you have been in Mozambique for a long time when economy class feels like luxury." Well, KLM economy class is luxury and Delta is its cheap on-board hooker.
First thing I noticed, no personal movie screen. You know what that means? I will be subjected to Harry Potter 6, another film in the long line of sequels which I have vowed never to subject myself to. Sorry to alienate readers, but I just cant do Harry Potter. Maybe it's just because i was an English major and avid appreciator of the classics (well the more modern classics at least, I think beowulf equals boredom and only got a few kicks out of chaucer and his old English fart jokes) and thus have this inchoate instinct to shun the literary pop genre. That being said, I both sort of want to be the author of Eat Pray Love (although mozambique does not offer quite the same extraordinary cuisine/zen/sexiness of Italy/India/Bali, but what can you do), and have acutally seen all the Harry Poter movies that were released to DVD prior to my Peace Corps departure. It was a forced marathon event during Peace Corps training. I mean really, what else was I supposed to do, watch the chickens run around my yard?
So anyway, these are my complaints about Delta, PDX to Amsterdam:
Weird emo music during boarding. What?
Who says beer and wine are free, but you have to pay for mixed drinks? Not that I even want a gin and tonic or anything, I am perfectly happy with my red wine (Merlot in a milk carton, not the individual mini glass-sized bottles), but this is a 10 hour international flight, and it's the principle of the matter.
Where are all the hot steward/stewardesses? I remember flying from Amsterdam to New York with all these 6 ft hot blondes. However on my return, American run flight, there is only one woman with a sweet smile and an adequate dye job, she is still at least 55 (no offense mom and dad) and has the worst bangs I have ever seen. Whoever said uber short with a small barreled curling iron was 'in' to their granny was sorely wrong, and was inadvertantly punishing future airborne customers. The rest of the staff are cranky, badly styled, whining little middle aged mums and dads.
For example, there is this one older man, whose lips are as pursed as his forhead is wrinkled right between his eyebrows. He must seriously be carrying a lifetimes worth of anger/worry right there in those wrinkle lines. He walks around muttering under his breath just loud enough that EVERYONE can hear what he is saying. For example:
"paper? newspaper? it's a yes or no question people! do you want a newspaper!?"
"those people are openeing the overhead bins while the seatbelt sign is on! if you dont say something I WILL!" - to his not so cranky but still remarkably unfriendly colleague
"FUCK YOU ALL!" - ok, he didnt really say this, but I could read it on his wrinkled face and rigid spine which in all honesty made me think someone replaced his vertibrea with a big fat stick up his bum. Although, I have recently learned he is a U of O alum... does that mean we have to be friends?
My saving graces:
The nicets Saudi man who I might have been racially profiling at first when he took a suspiciously long bathroom break, and then promply judged when he told me his son was studying at OSU and he in fact went to Rose Bowl victor Ohio State. However his remarkable command of the English language, politer than the staff demeanor, and eagerness to share his tray table really made the trip as delightful as a Harry Potter/finiky flight attendant riddled flight could be.
A vegetarian meal! I am never on the ball enough to order a special meal ahead of time, and end up with the plane meat. Dont get me wrong, I am not a vegetarian. I do enjoy meat now and then and may even shamefully admit to a slight adoration of sliced packaged ham. But microwaved, dry, previously frozen mystery plane meat is never very appetizing. Well Delta, you got something right - a veggie option for anyone that cared to partake involving penne pasta (which I forgot until this moment does not exist in Mozambique... sad), tossed with a delightful mix of cheese, pesto, garlic, cherry tomatoes, and squash.
However, to mess up my organization but follow my train of thought, after this delightful meal they forced us into an 8 hour fast... luckily I packed a few Clif bars in my purse. Otherwise I would have been knawing at the arm of my nice saudi neighbour. Note to travellers: bring snacks. This tidbit is even more important to remember when you are actually in Mozambique.
Many an 8hour trip have I spent eating an entire bunch of bananas and about a pound of cashews because those are pretty much the only things you can buy on the side of the road. Unless of course you want a day fried egg sandwich, sopping wet with oil, that has been sitting in the 100 degree heat for probably at least 4 hours.
I think, considering the fact that we arrive in Amsterdam at 8am, the airline staff just assumed we would all sleep the whole way and not need sustenance. Well, they should also take into account the fact that we left Portland at 12pm, thus I am not tired and in fact in need of snacks.
So what have I done instead of sleep to pass the time and try to ignore my hunger pangs?
Well Lady Gaga said just dance. and I said ok, I'll booty shake in my seat.
My adivce to those who might, perhaps, in the future, consider, maybe, a little bit, wanting to come visit me: (PLEASE!)
Flying into Joburg rather than Maputo is cheaper, but a pain in the bum. You might save a few hundred bucks (round trip Maputo-Joburg is about 200-300 USD, vs the bus which is $35 each way) but there will be the extra expense/hassle of getting from the airport to the bus station ($40 - yes, getting from the airport to the bus station is more expensive then South Africa to Mozambique... we are talking 30min vs 10 hours, but whatev.
Also annoying: mid-day muggings (note to travellers, mugging does not always meen someone is brutally assaulted but in fact can infer that somone merely had their wallet delicately lifted off thier body. Still, watch your stuff, and carry all valuables in your bra.)
So, if you can get a deal where it is only about $200 more to fly into Maputo, I say it is worth your while.
However, if your plans are highly driven by your budget (as mine often are) keep in mind that there are only 2 flights a day from Joburg to Maputo, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So, flying to Moz might involve staying in Joburg. For those with a few bucks, the Southern Sun at the airport (OR Tambo) is super nice, has swanky showers, and offers a lovely wine and cheese happy hour in the afternoons. For those significanly more fiscally conservative, Ghandi hostel offers free airport pickup, is located in a beautiful big old house in a pretty safe neighborhood, and is like 15 bucks a night. Cheap and safe, can't beat that.
Well I guess I am going to watch Harry Potter or something now. Nope, I think I will tap into the stock of Gossip Gril episodes I was sure to store in my new tech toy before leaving. Harry has got nothing on sexy high schoolers in designer clothing. I mean really. Its a party in the USA.
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