Oh how I crave white linen pants. As the lovable brit Rupert Ray once said, “They are my colonial pants.”
Well, I am not exactly colonizing anyone. But there is something to be said for that ‘it’s really fing hot outside but I am not worried because I am wearing white linen pants and thus I’m experiencing flowing glowing glory’ look.
I even have the perfect long, beige shells adorned with a mondo amber stone masterpiece, necklace that I bought from a Kenyan artist, to accessorize my dream threads.
Well I have been in Maputo for a week, and guess what… No luck.
What have I discovered during my days in the bustling, muddy, rude, sometimes swanky, metropolis that is Maputo?
Three girls singing a capella Lady Gaga. “Gaga Ooh LaLa...”
A man with a crater in his head the size of a golf ball. No puss, no blood, just a big bore hole.
Men pee on the trees that are scattered along the sidewalk. I passed 3 men within 1 block peeing on different trees… and one was a police man.
It is socially acceptable in the city to wear leggings instead of pants… but it does provoke more male attention.
KFC makes an amazing chocolate sundae. I will never try their chicken. On principle.
My friend Laura didn’t know what a Vegan was. “I am from the south. Everyone I know eats meat.”
The hotel maid forced me to clean my converse before leaving. Ok, she didn’t exactly knife me or anything. But she was in the room cleaning as I was heading out, and she asked accusingly “You aren’t going to clean your shoes before you leave the hotel? Go ask the other maids for a rag to clean your shoes. “
“OK,” I caved, and sulked off to find a rag.
“Give us those shoes right now so we can wash them!”
“No no, I need my shoes to walk. Maybe later. But can I have a rag.” And so sat in my socks under the judging eyes of the Mozambican maids, silently brooding and wiping my tennis shoes.
Although the city makes me go broke, if I was a real life American with dollas it would be quite reasonable. For example, today I bought an entire frozen chicken, a big box of bran flakes, a pound of hamburger meat and a can of diet coke for like 8 bucks. How much would that be in the states? At least double.
Delightful Thai food. Although, apparently, if you don’t ask for rice, they don’t give it to you. Found that out the hard way when I got back to the hotel, excitedly opened up my shrimp in a basil chili sauce, and found myself rice-less.
Massive grocery stores are Mecca, and one(I) can wander the isles for hours in complete rapture.
99% of all stores in Maputo are called “King of (insert name of product here)”. For example: King of Jeans, King of Phones, King of Keys, etc.
Maputo has a fashion week. And it was this week. And I, apparently a naked mole rat, missed it.
But despite my week of further cultural enlightening and minor revelations, I continue to yearn for the flowing glowing glory of white linen pants.
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